Who Am I?

I want to find out who I'm going to be now I'm grown up...having waited until my sixties, after all. Turns out this is hard to do because so many things are now difficult or impossible due to physical and mental limitations. Which I didn't expect or plan on happening. All of a sudden, I feel my mortality -- like I'm running out of time here -- and there's so much yet I wanted to do, to see, to experience!

My Bucket List is extensive -- and chores, as usual, are getting in the way. Now I understand why my older relatives were downsizing their lives as they approached old age. They sold the house, or gave it to the kids, and moved into mobile homes or RVs or little apartments in retirement communities where cooking and cleaning was done by others. Less chore work!

So, I'm trying to do that, too. Means trimming the Bucket List as well, however. Right now I'm indulging in several creative things I'd always put off till I retired. Only, I haven't retired enough yet! There are still chores, and they use up a lot of time and energy that I'm sure I used to have back in the day. Makes me feel guilty when they go undone because I'm quilting or writing, or just schmoozing with friends.  Gotta work on that. Gotta remember that I have -- I really  have--paid my dues and now I'd better reap the rewards, or I won't ever get them. (No way I'm waiting till Heaven to see the world or take up cake decorating or belly dancing.)

And, amazing to realize, the house doesn't fall down, and the world doesn't stop, because I didn't vacuum this week. Or don't wash dishes after every meal. Or finish the taxes in January. :)

But, I'm still fussing about it. Not as much maybe, but still....

So maybe that's my goal? To have fun before the chores instead of hoping there will be time afterwards? I still have to downsize my do do list to more realistic size...and make up the stash of creative things so that there is more room to see potential goals...AND so that the fun stuff doesn't became a chore, too, of course.

Is It My Turn Yet??

It seems to me that right now is. I have paid my dues -- worked all my life doing my duty, taking care of what needed/should/ought to be done -- studying and practicing and planning to do it right -- always being 'good' first. Because some day it would be my turn to have fun, to do things just for me -- to be acknowledged. 

Only it never seemed to be my turn! There were always more chores to do, more people to be taken care of, more stuff that needed/should/ought to be done. Nobody stepped in to do the chores so it could be my turn to be taken care of.

But maybe it can't be my turn until I take it. I feel guilty for being able to do whatever I want, like I need to pay for this privilege -- even though I have paid my dues for years. I have sacrificed forever, feels like. Why can't I take my reward?

God doesn't need me to be doing chores -- neither do others. Not really. Those are my choices, my goals, and my habits. Am I afraid to pursue my dreams? Am I lazy? It's a good excuse that the house needs cleaning -- or the Faith needs its storage locker cleared out, or paperwork sorted and filed.

What I need is attitude adjustment, not necessarily change of behavior. Instead of doing stuff for approval, do it because I want it done. Cleaning house, for instance, is for me, not them. Everything I do -- especially compulsively -- is to gain a sense of being approved of, being okay, being loved. And that is already true! God loves me just as I am -- I don't need anything more than than just to be able to remember that, every day, every minute.

So the problem is how to stay aware -- intensely -- of God's unconditional love for me. That I am okay no matter what -- even if my house is dirty and my car unwashed and the Faith untaught this afternoon. I don't have to curry favor -- but I do have to obey some simple guidelines that God has given me to help stay in tune with His love. Praying, meditating, taking account -- like morning exercises faithfully executed. 

Or are these more chores? I do need that attitude adjustment daily to start the morning in grateful frame of mind -- and to stop feeling guilty because I have so many blessings and what I don't do, someone else must....

So, there are still chores to do -- but I don't have to do them for God or anybody else in order to be 'good' (loved)(okay). I can do them because they will help me to be happy.

But then, I must be allowed -- allow myself -- to enjoy the fruits of my labors. It's okay to have blessings. It's okay to spend time and energy and money on myself. It is okay to be happy even when others are not.